Peace and Justice Support Network of Mennonite Church USA
http://peace.MennoLink.org

Ways to Approach CONFLICT

When faced with conflict, people are inclined to respond in different ways. You can discover your most natural response to conflict by taking the online
*   Adult Personal Conflict Style Inventory
or
*   Conflict and YOUth questionnaire with different age appropriate of questions for grades 3-12).



Styles of Conflict Management

Collaborating

 Also described as:
Problem solving

We both win.

"Two heads are better than one."

Description: Assert your views while also inviting other views. Welcome differences; identify all main concerns; generate options; search for solution which meets as many concerns as possible; search for mutial agreement.
Perspective on Conflict: Conflict is natural, neutral. So affirm differences, prize each person's uniqueness. Recognize tensions in relationships and contrasts in viewpoint. Work through conflicts of closeness.
Collaborating IS good when:

*   you have the time and want to work something out that satisfies all sides.

*   you care about the other person(s) and also feel strongly about the issue.

*   you want to get thoughts and feelings out on the table and deal with them, so they don’t cause problems later.

"But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits. and a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace."
 -James 3:17-18 (NRSV)

 Collaborating is NOT good when:

*   you don’t care that much about the issue.

*   you need to do something quickly. ("Fire! Everybody out!")

"…clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness and patience. Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other."
–Col. 3:12-13 (GNB)

Compromising

 Also described as:

We meet half-way.

"Let's split the difference."

Description: Urge moderation; bargain; split the difference; find a little something for everyone; meet them halfway.
Perspective on Conflict: Conflict is mutual difference best resolved by cooperation and compromise. If each comes halfway, progress can be made by the democratic process.
Compromising IS good when:

*   you need a quick solution and can both give up something.

*   you both want exactly the same thing and it can be divided up or shared.

*   you are willing to let chance decide it (flip a coin).

*   you have tried to satisfy each one completely and it isn’t possible (or would take too long).

"Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are on the way to court with him."
 –Matt. 5:25 (NRSV)

 Compromising is NOT good when:

*   you might work a little longer and find a solution that pleases each one better.

"In everything do to others as you would have them do to you."
–Matt. 7:12 (NRSV)

Accommodating

 Also described as:
Giving in

I give in.

"I don't care that much; have it your way."

Description: Accept the other's view; let the other's view prevail; give in; support; acknowledge error; decide it's no big deal or it doesn't matter.
Perspective on Conflict: Conflict is usually disastrous, so yield. Sacrifice your own interests, ignore the issues, put relationships first, keep peace at any price.
Accommodating IS good when:

*   you are, or were, wrong about something.

*   you care more about the other person than you do about the issue.

"Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way."
 –1 Cor. 13:4-5 (NRSV)

 Accommodating is NOT good when:

*   it happens a lot and you wish you could speak up more often.

"Instead, by speaking the truth in ... love, we must grow up in every way to Christ, who is the head."
–Eph. 4:15 (GNB)

Avoiding

 Also described as:

I leave.

"I'd rather not deal with it now."

Description: Delay or avoid response; withdraw; be inaccessible; divert attention.
Perspective on Conflict: Conflict is hopeless; avoid it. Overlook differences, accept disagreement or get out.
Avoiding IS good when:

*   you don’t care that much about the issue.

*   you (or someone else) are very angry and need time to cool off before discussing the issue.

*   you are in a dangerous situation and don’t need to be there.

"Do everything possible on your part to live at peace with everybody.
 –Rom. 12:18 (GNB)

 Avoiding is NOT good when:

*   you rarely want to deal with the conflicts in your life.

*   you care about an issue but are afraid to speak up.

*   you keep being bothered by a disagreement with someone you care about.

"Let ... us speak the truth to our neighbors, for we are members of one another.
 –Eph. 4:25 (NRSV)

Forcing

 Also described as:

I take charge.

"Might makes right."

Description: Control the outcome; discourage disagreement; insist on my view prevailing.
Perspective on Conflict: Conflict is obvious; some people are right and some people are wrong. The central issue is who is right. Pressure and coercion are necessary.
Forcing IS good when:

*   you need to do something quickly.

*   your conscience tells you to do or not do something that displeases others.

*   you know you are right and it is important to you that the others recognize that.

"[The high priest said] ‘We gave you strict orders not to teach in this name [of Jesus]’.… But Peter and the apostles answered, ‘We must obey God rather than any human authority.’"
–Acts 5:27-29 (NRSV)

 Forcing is NOT good when:

*   you use it often with people you care about or will need to spend time with in the future.

*   you want people to feel they can discuss and disagree with you openly.

"You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against any of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself."
—Lev. 19:18 (NRSV)

Credits:
Compiled from various sources by Anne Myer Byler, Web layout by Stan Harder
"The Personal Conflict Style Inventory is a rudimentary form of Ron Kraybill's widely used Style Matters, a 22 page, five-styles-of-conflict inventory with many additional features including special instructions for people of diverse cultural backgrounds, extended interpretation, extensive hot tips for each style, and discusssion questions for groups, available for $3.95-$5.95 from RiverhouseePress.com. The version on our site was published in the Mennonite Conciliation Service, Mediation and Facilitation Training Manual, 4'th ed., 2000 (Akron,PA: MCS), p. 64-66, and is here by permission of the author and publisher.